White Light Black Light

I was sitting in the living room of my Mill Valley home, feeling deeply depressed. I was in the midst of a mid-life crisis.

Overwhelming loneliness, hopelessness and uncertainty were slowly crushing my heart to the point of me gasping for air. I was extremely lonely and alone being in a long term marriage without physical warmth. My future career was up in the air, uncertainty was setting in and weighing heavily on my heart. I was feeling the walls closing in and slowly crushing me into oblivion.

I could see the afternoon sun was casting a beautiful light show on my white wall but even this beauty was not moving me that afternoon.

Yumyum was sitting on top of the TV right across from me perhaps 20 feet away. She was rescued by me along with her sister Yoda in front of the Flea Market where she was abandoned, filthy and full of fleas, many years ago.

I remember the first night when I brought them home, I slept in the bathroom with them so that I could teach them to use the litter box. They learned very quickly how to use the bathroom. I had prepared special meals for them to enhance their health and took care of them as my daughters. When people asked me if I have children, I always answered back by saying ' I have 2 daughters '

And I discovered the gift of communicating with them as I loved and honored them. I knew exactly what they were thinking and asking me many times. We became a family of 4.

As I sank into a deep despair ~ suddenly, I felt a wave of warmth coming at my heart and pulsating as if it was living and moving. I was shocked and proceeded to look around to see where this strange sensation was coming from.

I looked at Yumyum and I knew instantly. Yumyum's eyes were intensely fixed on me. I saw lazer like beams of golden light emanated from her. And these living waves of golden light were aimed at me.

This wave of energy was Love, unconditional Love. I was experiencing an indescribable Love that was so powerful, I thought I was going to melt in it. I was suspended into a timeless space for how long ... I just don't know.

I felt I was being profoundly loved by her. Yum yum's eyes were filled with the deepest love I have ever known.

And I instantly knew who she really was.

She was a reservoir of love sent to me to realize what is the real 'truth' hiding beneath all physical beings and appearance.

The truth that all animals live in a 'Unified Field of Love' that exists beyond time and space.

Tears of love and joy filled my broken heart and I distinctly heard her voice speaking to me " Don't worry, everything is going to be all right"

I don't know how long I was basking in this intense love from her ~ It felt as if an eternity went by!

When I came out of this, I noticed my husband was also crying. He told me he had witnessed this event and was deeply moved by what he saw.

After the exposure to this magnitude of Love directed at me by yumyum ~ nothing was ever quite the same again.

Especially, I could never look again at any living things as physical beings!

I was seeing the true essence of them ~ I was seeing through the heart.

As a result, images after images of paintings flooded in my mind's eye. All of cats in many shapes and colors, and their eyes were vividly 'alive' in all of them. All I had to do was to reproduce them as accurately as I saw in my minds eye.

So, I started to paint although I haven't painted anything for a long time since graduating from art school. I was completely drawn into this process. When I was painting, I was exhilarated, colors came alive with their own vibration and sometimes colors moved like 3D holograms objects on the paper ~ I thought I was going over the edge but I kept on painting. I painted almost 12 paintings in this fashion within 10 months ~ I was possessed. It was my homage to yumyum.

My husband suggested to make my paintings as a T shirt for some unexplained reason . I thought It would be so much fun to wear my cats everywhere I go. I choose 3 images that I liked and produced them as very fashionable T shirts.

The day I got my very first T from the T shirt maker, I went to Nordstroms looking for leggings that matched my T shirt I was wearing. As I was shopping at the sportswear section, one of the sales persons approached me and asked where I got the T shirt I had on.

I said I made it myself. She proceeded to tell me that I had to come see the manager who was in the back room ~ because she wanted to show her my T shirt. I didn't know what was going on but I followed her.

As soon as I was introduced, the manager asked me if I was manufacturing T shirts. I said NO.

She wanted to see the other T shirts I had made. So I went to my car and got the other freshly made Ts. She was so excited to see them and told me if I could produce them ... meaning central themes with different styles displayed as a group on the floor.

She gave me a deadline for this to happen knowing full well I had never done this before. I didn't know what to think of all of this but I felt excited because I once was in the fashion world doing modeling to earn money when I was in a college and loved the whole fashion scene. She told me what to produce, when and where and wrote me an order right there in front of my eyes. As I recall this first order was for over $40,000.

I was absolutely awed at what had just happened. I was experiencing a miracle! I told yum yum and hugged her sharing my excitement that night. Within 3 months, I produced the first order and had a designer trunk show with an unusually high sell through rate, got reorders and my shirts were in all the Nordstrom stores and eventually expanded to other chain stores.

YUMYUM'S DEATH

Yumyum's passing came 3 months after my husband's passing from battling with cancer for 2 years. The Trauma and aftermath of his physical release were unbearable and I sank into a deep depression. Yum yum was always there with me ... she was cheering me and gave me strength while I was going through this horrendous turmoil of my soul.

She was almost 20 years old and her failing health worried me although I didn't show my concern in front of her.

I was doing everything and anything possible to make her better. I tried acupuncture, herbs, animal healers, meds and my healing energy sessions every day.

I couldn't even imagine life without her. She was my only friend and my soul mate who I could share all of my deepest feelings with. There was no need to use speaking words to understand each other. We were deeply connected with a 'Field of Love'. We did not need words in this field. I simply could not live without her and I couldn't let her go despite her ill health.

She was the sole purpose for me to function in such a seemingly cruel world. She was becoming so frail that sometimes she couldn't complete her toilet routine ~ I saw her suffering and it made my heart break in pieces.

One day I asked her if it was getting too much for her... Yumyum said that she wanted to stay with me as long as I needed her. I broke down and cried uncontrollably. In her condition of suffering and pain ... she was thinking only of my well being! I felt deeply ashamed of my selfishness to put her through such misery because I needed her.

I then told her I loved her so deeply and if she wanted to release her body and be free I'll be OK.

Every word came from my heart and she felt it.

Next day I called my vet and asked his opinion. He told me the truth and said the prolonged agony she was going through was cruel. My decision was immediately made and I arranged for him to release her the next day.

I told Yumyum my decision and asked her if she wanted to release her body. She said 'Yes'.

The time came, I held her soft body as if she were sleeping in my arms ... I knew she had left her body ... And she had also seemingly left me all alone.

I was alone without 'Real Love' in this world of artificial so called human love. I felt I had no purpose left in my life and I had no will to continue on.

After my vet carried her body away for cremation, I took off to Big Sur, where I scattered my husband's ashes 3 month ago, at a reckless and high speed. I didn't want to go on living any longer. I didn't care how fast I was going.

I reached the bridge and got out of my car. I was ready to jump. I saw the beautiful blue water far below. Strong winds tried to swallowed me up. I stood there frozen solid ... I wanted to jump but my body did not respond to my command. I did not have the courage to do it...or perhaps yumyum, from beyond time and space, would not let me do it.

Within 2 weeks I left for Japan. I didn't care about anything anymore. I had nothing left but memories and it was too painful for me to relive them. I was in Japan for 10 months with the agonizing pain of my trauma.

I sat in the zen temple and visited Buddhist temples to heal and have my peace. And finally one day, It happened ... I surrendered to a profound peace and love...which was beneath my deepest pain and despair.

It was the same love I experienced with Yumyum...

This experience drew me, like a magnet, back to california to deal with what I left behind. Within two weeks of my return, I met a man, a very kind and special man named Allen ... when I saw his green eyes the first time ... I saw the same 'love' I saw in Yumyum's eyes that special day! And I knew deep in my heart that I had found my true 'Love'.

Yumyum had brought Allen into my life in her final act of love and I wept in Joy and gratitude !

Keiko Okubo

Allen L Roland http://blogs.salon.com/0002255/2007/10/20.html

Freelance Online columnist Allen L Roland is available for comments , interviews and speaking engagements ( allen@allenroland.com )